Interview for a Research Paper

From: Marianna Palka <************@*****.com>
Date: Mon, 30 Nov 2009 09:47:29 -0800
To: Reyhan Bekar <*********@***********>
Subject: Re: Interview for a Research Paper

Reyhan,

This took me so long due to the holiday! Here you go My Love. Thank you, Love Marianna x.

How did you get into filmmaking?
I just decided to make a film and I think that's how most people get into it, they take the bull by the horns.

Are there any filmmakers that have inspired you and influenced your style of filmmaking?
Peter Mullan. Ken Loach. Wajda. Kieslowski. I am mostly visually influenced by photographs more than films.

What inspired you to make the film, 'Good Dick'?
I couldn't believe a statistic I heard that 1 in 3 women are sexually abused before adulthood. That was reason enough for me to make such a film.

Who was your intended audience for 'Good Dick'? Did you make the film with a target audience in mind? Did this affect the decisions you made while making the film?
I definitely kept in mind that hopefully people recovering from sexual abuse would see the film, and experience its sweetness. It is not a negative tale, nor a graphic one in anyway, but its intention was catharsis. I was always thinking of the realism of this character. There are truly beautiful survivors who have made a great deal of their lives and the film was made for them, to help express the quality of light that is available through the healing process, which they know a lot about. I had to take that charge very seriously, and I did and still do. The film is theirs more than anyone's.

How would you define the genre of 'Good Dick'?
It is a Love Story.

Most of the film was shot in L.A, California with an American cast/crew. Were there any particular reasons for this?
I live in Los Angeles and all of my friends are American here. Most of the people I know are American. It was an American story. LA is a great place to shoot when you want to shoot for cheap but get good results.

You're credited in the film as director, screenwriter and actress? How involved would you say in the other aspects of filmmaking such as editing, cinematography, sound? (I'm assuming other people carried out these roles but you made the final decisions?)
Yes, I had a great DP Andre Lascaris www.andrelascaris.com
Editor Chris Kroll (hear an interview with him that is brilliant about the Good Dick editing process click here)
Sound on set was done by Reza Moosavi www.rezamoosavi.com
Our post sound work was done by Sonic Magic here in LA

How did you manage to get financing for the film?
The financier wanted to make a film for a small budget with a first time female writer/director and it happened to be me.

How did you go about distributing the film?
We self released in America to great success. The four producers of the film, Jason Ritter, Marianna Palka, Cora Olson and Jen Dubin (who are Present Pictures) Our DVD is in every major retailer, we are on Showtime this fall, we are in 50 million homes on VOD, we have done very well. In the UK the film was distributed by a company called The Works.

Are you satisfied with the overall outcome of the film?
Beyond satisfied. Beyond. Beyond. I still find it so wonderfully joyful that the film has had its own life and broken ground in some areas, the subject matter for example and the self release. I recommend working with Peter Broderick if anyone wants to self release their film. www.peterbroderick.com

Load of people have been getting jobs after working on Good Dick, me included, so it has been a blessing for all. I recommend turning the voices in your head down that give you reasons not to do something and turn the voices up that give you reasons to do something. It is always better to just make your big dream happen. It's so easy once you start. It all unravels before you and it makes you understand your art even more, to have people actually see it. I love acting, a lot of actors have a problem with being seen, artists in general sometimes get shocked by it, but if you have a purpose, and you are working for a greater good, you never have to think about what people think of you or your work, because you are focused on the intention of your work. And I believe every film should be intended to help somebody. Even if it is just one person. The intention ought to be positive.

Going to Argentina & Brazil

Just got so many vaccines in this arm to go to Argentina and Brazil to visit Jason's brother Tyler. The man who gave me the shots let me hold his arm with my hands, because that made me able to relax; and I asked him to breathe with me. I think it was an original experience for him!

My scarf also comforted me. My "mums"
Cora Olson and Jen Dubin gave it to me for my birthday this September. When i opened the box, I thought, "Oh this scarf is ao fancy, I'll be able to wear it on special occassions." Now I wear it everyday. We call Cora and Jen "mums" because they are so nuturing. They see the possibility in every situation, in every person. They are the best producers because they really grow the people they work with like plants in pots or in a garden. They've always been able to see more for Jason and I than we have for ourselves. They are fervent listeners and they map out the unknown for those who can't do it themselves, then they keep adding to that map for you. The greatest producers are technically efficient, but they are also deeply creative. The great directors are genius artists, but they are also masters of the technical workings of their craft. We all grow both sides of our brain by working together. It is a supreme partnership, between Morning Knight (Jason and I) and Present Pictures (Cora and Jen) I wish for every artist that they find their perfect producers. Because once they do, they'll have found family.

Erotica

Good Dick is a film about a woman who watches erotica, not porn. If you don't know the difference:

"Erotica is as different from pornography as love is from rape, as dignity is from humiliation as partnership is from slavery as pleasure is from pain" Gloria Steinem

In the mirror

Marianna Palka

The American Film Market

I just finished doing a panel at THE AMERICAN FILM market and I found out some wonderful things. The panel was hosted by Peter Broderick and I was on the panel with Thomas Mai (Festival Darlings) and Nonny De La Pena (Stroome) It was really informative. 

Pictures from Shooting NEDS (Summer 2009)

Here are some pictures from this summer. I was in Scotland shooting the Peter Mullan film NEDS. What an amazing experience!


Me & my mum, Basia Palka in Croftfoot Scotland





Me & my uncle, Peter Jakubski in Croftfoot Scotland





With Yva Melrose in Cafe Andelouz Glasgow (with hair in bands for my wig for NEDS)








Tahira doing my makeup for NEDS









Peter Mullan with my Gran, Bronia Jakubski. He let her sit in his director's chair and got her to watch the monitor during my scene









In my trailer on NEDS with my mum, Basia Palka






With Tahira in Cardonald, shooting NEDS












Looking like sisters with Louise Goodall






Met Michael Mulgrew while I was staying with my friends at their flat

Thank You

On Wed, Sep 16, 2009 at 3:32 PM, ******* wrote:

Hey Marianna,

This is ***** from the Good Dick screening at ***** last night. Thank you so much for taking time and promoting such an amazing and true to life film. The way you portrayed your character was so inspiring and I really connected with her. I appreciate your approach to this issue with the aftermath and healing, no one really thinks about how abuse affects people, children especially. Until this summer I had not told anyone what my step-dad had done to me. The only "best friend" I had had turned her back on me, my biological father has never really been a part of my life, and my mother was always working two and three jobs to support us. I always thought that there was something wrong with me, a reason no one wanted to be around me or have any sort of relationship with me. My step-dad's words of my worthlessness never left my mind. But this last year I met my now best friends and even though I was stand offish at first they stuck by me and when I started getting nightmares of my memories again and not sleeping they took notice and never left me. I told them what happened, 10 years of abuse until my step-dad and mom got a divorce. I thought they were going to leave me like everyone else because of this horrible thing, but they didn't, they are the best friends I could ever have and the connection with your film was incredible. Just the concept of not giving up on someone even though they push you away, that they need help and are hiding something in fear. In these last few months I have greatly improved with sleep and condition with the support of people who love me. Good Dick has lit a fire in my willpower and determination to keep moving forward to work through this tragedy. Thank you so much for your vision and not being afraid to hit this head on, without watering it down or beating around the bush. You are amazing! :)

****


-----Original Message-----
From: Marianna Palka <********>
To: ******
Sent: Wed, Sep 23, 2009 7:59 pm
Subject: Re: Thank You.

Dear *****,

Thank you so much from very the bottom of my heart for this email. Thank you for coming to see the film and for being so brave after wards to come up and to talk to me. I was so struck by your beauty then, and when you started speaking it was like I was listening to an angel.

I was so moved by your loving face and sheer gorgeousness that I really can't explain to you how much it means to me, except to say how proud I am of you, and how well you are doing. To be doing so well and excelling at loving yourself and life is something that is tough for people who have had less to deal with than you have. The fact that you can excel like you are excelling is awesome, and a miracle, but also not surprising. You are a beautiful loving brave strong miracle. Miracles happen everyday and it is perfect that you are creating miracles everyday over there at school in ******. I know from the deepest part of me that you are the entire reason that Jason and I came to ******. You are the entire reason the film was made in fact. You are why I made this film. It was for you, respecting you and your mega talents at being alive and truly living and enjoying yourself in every moment, in everyday. You are my hero. Thank you so much again.

Love Marianna x.

P.S. I would love to remove your name from your email and put your words on the Good Dick website. Many people who have been affected by the film visit the site and would be inspired and really enabled by your articulate and profound email. I understand of course if that wouldn't suit you. But I wanted to ask, just in case, as I know how much it would make others feel like they are not alone, which I think is really the first step in the healing process. It is not something you should feel like you have to say yes too. If the answer is no, I totally 100% understand.



From:  *******
Date: Thu, Sep 24, 2009 at 8:52 PM
Subject: Re: Thank You.
To: *******


Dear Marianna,

All I can really say is thank you. You are such a talented person I stand in awe and for you to see me in that light makes me uncontrollably glow with joy. I'm so happy my friends and I went to see Good Dick for our Fun Tuesday, and that I did finally build up the courage to talk to you after, I had to let you know how in love with your representation I am.

I agree that others need to know they are not alone, it took me a long time to realize that. I would be honored if you told my story to help others heal. The best thing I can do with my experiences is use them to better the process for others, it's great that you are willing and able to accomplish that.

Love *****

TO A FRIEND WHO IS THINKING ABOUT WRITING/DIRECTING THEIR FIRST FILM:

Thoughts on the First Time

I also hope that one day soon you will send me an email with your piece, in whatever shape it is in, and I can return the favor to you. I first sent Good Dick out when it was 60 pages. You are in incredible shape. You are beyond capable of writing and directing something, this, something else. You are the kind of actress who can direct and write, it is so obvious, just in the multitude of happening in your face in like every frame of your films, or simply in the look in your eye when it is gazing at something, or your mouths curves when it speaks. They don't teach beauty you know, they can only shape it. Beauty is an internal aspect. It is a respect for the self and it oozes out of you, golden for all to see. You shouldn't have any trouble.

The best artists and filmmakers are those whose golden light we'll never see. They are taxi drivers. They work in diners. They care for the sick. They fight. They are cleaning bed pans, gorgeously, with love in their hearts and with compassion coming through their hands; and we are missing the master pieces that they will never make or show. You came to LA for good reasons. This is one of them. You are here. You are able. You can do it. You could do it with your eyes closed. You ought to do it for those who cannot. You ought to do it with them in mind. You ought to know what your work will mean to them. You ought to never forget that that is why you do what you do, because some cannot. Every kind word of yours, is for them. Every polite order of direction of yours, is for them. Every dress or suit you wear to an event, every piece of jewelry of yours that you put on your wrist, is for them. Every frame of film you are in or you watch, is for them. Every morning of yours at dawn when rising, is for their sake. So, later on, when you meet people whose lives have been changed by your film, you thank them. When someone cries because of what you have made, you commune with them, speak with them. When someone asks for a picture with you, you hug with them.

This work is much more suited to you than to anyone else, it is easy for you. If anyone is going to continue to rock the free world, it is you. Something happens when a camera is around you, or near you, you're whole being knows it and despite whatever bullshit challenge may be falsely in place in the status quo, your body always knows what to do. Getting stressed out is a choice, and you don't make that choice, fools and intruders make such a choice, those who are not listening. Be kind. Everything flows. Rule with love as a director, as a leader, and not with fear. It is not classy to rule with fear, it is not even practical nor efficient. This is why ADs who rule with fear are simply unprofessional. PA and ACTOR are both valuable. Treating an EXTRA differently than a FINANCIER is ignorance.

It is important to know the difference between being capable of something (many people make films: ****** *** for example) and being beyond capable of something (some people, like you, make great films). Like you, Richard Burton was beyond capable. Peter Mullan is beyond capable. These people, they could, like you, do it under any circumstances. "It" is the stuff of art, the stuff of life, that which we live for, that which we create for. "It" has already beckoned you. "It" sits with the lucky few who can afford to let it work for them and with them and on them. "It" sat with John Cassevetes, "It" sits with Ron Howard. I mention only men here because you are a woman, and you are their equal, and if you cannot conceive of that, then you must change your thinking for it is bogus to try to live a life in art thinking any other way. Whatever your class, your race, your body type, your birth place, your face, your sexuality, your upbringing, you are equal. "It" works for kings and queens and street dwellers alike, the same, in balance, in fairness.

The task is actually already completed, you just have to write it down and let others see what you have written. You can't make a mistake or a wrong step, it is not possible for you, there are no false moves, only progress. The beat goes on. Can you take everything you have, and make it into something? You already know everything you need to know. Plus, you can't really help it. It happens to you, not vise versa.

You just have to get out of the way so it can do its work. And you know what is happening. You are just too good to not slip to one side and watch it work for you. One day you may be in your shower and think to yourself, "I am the best writer/director/actress/artist that ever there was. This is the best film of all time." And you will know it, terrifically, to be true. The very next day, you may be in your shower and think to yourself, "My God, I have made the worst film of all time. No one should ever see it. I am a faker and an idiot. How could I ever think I was anything else?" And you will know it, horrifically, to be true. These are both valid experiences, and you ought to have them both, but treat them as one. They compliment each other. They are both your friends. And they ought to make you giggle, because we can be so foolish with ourselves sometimes. You ought to allow that. You ought to be light hearted about your lofty ideas as well as your self loathing. What is truly yours is distinct from both these thought forms. What you've truly got in you. You know what you've got and it is good. And you say thank you, and you keep working, everyday, and you smile at everyone who graces you enough to give you their time. You must know that you deserve it. As they deserve yours.

Dreams Come True. Mx.

Me In Glasgow

Dearests,

That's me in Glasgow now. I am loving my BBC and all the cooking shows my family watch. Everyone is a great cook it seems here, even my artsy friends are total pro chefs who cook up feasts for each other. When I get back to LA, I'm totally making everyone Eton Mess, which is from the English boarding school, Eton, that the Royals William and Harry went to.

My mum Basia and my Papa John make their own bread all the time. I am loving getting to spend all this time with them all, my niece is 7 and she's such a dream. She can cook as well! It's all very impressive.

The trains come every three mins and the underground is so clean and small. It is very easy to be fit here, because you walk everywhere and there is always stuff to see. People talk to you and care about you in the small moments. People care about who you are more than what you do.

I am having great fun working with Peter, it is very easy at this point as the film is mostly improv and my character is basically me, just in the 1970s. But I have red hair, which is amazing actually. Talking to the non actors playing neds has been special for me, the film is changing the direction of all their lives, instead of having to knife and fight their way through their lives, they are making art about it now with this film, and hopefully reflecting on the options they now have for the future. I like helping them with that. I want them all to come visit LA. It is magical, I feel so lucky to be a part of this. We haven't even started shooting yet and it has already changed my life.

Peter is such an intelligent director. I am learning more than I can say. Everyone on the crew is unbelievable to talk to, everyone has the smartest ideas, everyone just wants to make it real for the actors. It is so based in gentle kindness, and the truth of the art of film. Peter is playing my brother in law in the film. Start shooting on Friday.

This trip feels like treacle, it is so rich and Glasgow is so full of deep feeling and thick art. Everyone is making things in a constant stream and all the fruit trees are ripe because we are in summer here. I think I'll be taking Tara berry picking this weekend on my day off from the film. It is very hot here and the sun goes down at 11pm and comes up at 20 to 4am, it is such a fairy land. Tara's bedroom in Paisley is also a fairy land. It is so beautiful, it is not something I can begin to describe. It would take a novel.

We are shooting in Mount Blow, which is a rough area and very different from the magical family life of great cooking and nature that I get to experience in Paisley. Mount Blow is a place you should google image to see if you've never been there. It is so powerful to be part of a film that is giving a voice to the voiceless in such an accurate way. And generally illuminating the situation, making the rougher areas of Glasgow better to live in in the long run. Depardieu said in the film "Green Card" that "you can't save that place," meaning the bad neighbourhoods. That they will always be like that. But that's shite. You totally can. I've seen it.

There is no one else who could make this film in Glasgow, Peter is so shockingly genius in every moment. He is a national treasure, if I told him that though, he'd probably tell me to Fuck Off, so I'll not mention it.

Google image Eton Mess if you want as well, someone told me that they were making a trifle for the school boys back in the day, and someone dropped it, and then they gave it to the school boys anyway and then a new dessert was created. It is out of this world.



I was like, "Oh, you could make this with organic eggs so easily!" and everyone was like, "That's a great idea" There was a programme (haha, British spelling!) on the TV where they showed you the difference between an organic egg and a battery hen's egg. It was shocking. A lady was on the programme talking about how everyone should have a chicken in their garden, as they lay frequently and are simple to look after. She saves the chickens from battery cages, when they are on their way to being killed. So she has lots of hens and loads of eggs.

There is a Paisley farmer's market on the 2nd Saturday of every month so I'll be checking that out this Saturday. I wonder what they'll have. Everything is so colourful (haha) and rich here. I feel like I am on drugs, I'm so happy. Everyone talks like me and has the same attitude. I'm back on my own planet. I love Scotland in the summer. I'm never going to visit in the winter again. It is too cold and dark then.

ALL MY LOVE,
LOVE YOU LOADS
Marianna xxxxx

Feel Safe with the People You Love & By Yourself

Dear Rebecca,




Thank you so much.

 I have been profoundly moved by your letter. My intention when making the film was in fact to enable people in the very ways in which you described being enabled. We are none of us alone. And it is very helpful to watch, read, see and participate in works of art that remind us of this through their complexity and vitality. 



I commend you for sending the letter, you mentioned that it was scary to do so. I think it is a great thing to do to send a letter. I think you should continue to write letters to whomever you wish and always send them.



What your letter so eloquently details is the energy exchange you had with the film, it spoke to you as you spoke to it. This kind of energy exchange is, in the final analysis, the reason why film is a terrific medium and a positive force, it is the reason why films are made. It is a big day the first day you see a film that changes you. It makes you want to keep growing and never stop. As it should be. Many works have no doubt made and will continue to make such impressions on you. I say keep these close to you. It is always good to return to your favorite works at different times, to see them again or see them in a new light. Thus you learn a good deal about yourself and art in general.



I enjoyed reading about the children at the kindergarden you wrote about who are in love with High School Musical. I always think it is funny that as a child, I was really into Barbies and big time into the color pink. I feel that this kind of sweeping dangerous mediocrity currently existing on the landscape of what is mainstream, can only serve to inspire and define us as artists. Otherwise, with out motivation, what else is there? What is the alternative? To be destroyed by the ridiculous and untrue? To sit and watch it all fall apart or seem to before our eyes? To keep buying the porn and enabling the sex trade? To keep it going even though we don't believe in it? What a most vibrant time to be making art. We have something to say and we can say it very well, and so that is what we all do. We say it. And it changes. Having something to fight for, having enlightened things to say, having a voice against the odds. What a life! I have come to love that push and pull between the mediocre and the divine, I think you can find that push and pull in everything. I think we always need something challenging to fight against. The bigger the hill the bigger the climb. You can't sweat without something to sweat for. We all beautifully say our piece and we work hard and then we add to the landscape, and suddenly it is a lot more interesting to be alive, right? Finding what you want to say artistically and saying it is the greatest thing you can do with yourself. I believe that more than I can explain. Suddenly the couch is less enticing, the junk food is tasteless, the mediocre no longer has a hold of you and have better things to do, you soar. This flight is why you came onto the planet to spend time here. It is why you watch films of all kinds. You are meant to be here and you are meant to make work that inspires and helps people. You are cared about and you care deeply. That is also why you came onto the planet. 



You are able to have whatever you want, you can make whatever kinds of films you dream about (make the most difficult kind, the ones that seem in a certain way impossible- make those) Dream massively about the love that you want and what it does to you and who it makes you. You must continue to dream pounding and enormously because dreams come true. They come true, so be as audacious as you possibly can be when dreaming and believe your dreams. Actively believe your dreams. All the time.



I am so excited for you and for your parents and for the fall. I think amazing things have already begun for you. I am wondering what else is in store!



When you write your script or when you find your script, send it to me at this email address and I'll be happy to read it and talk to you about it.



Meantime, get the following books and read them:



THE WAR OF ART- Stephen Pressfield

AND THEN YOU ACT- Anne Bogart

THE PURPOSE OF YOUR LIFE- Carol Adrienne



Look on the Sundance website and the UK Film Council website. Look at the AFI website. Where do you currently live, in what state? 



The last thing I would like to say is a request. I would very much like to put your letter among other such beautiful things on our website for the film.

Thank you so much and loads of love to you gorgeous Rebecca,



Love Marianna x.


Feel Safe with the People You Love & By Yourself

Dear Marianna,


First of all, it’s an honor to have bought your first DVD because I feel like Good Dick has left a definite and permanent stamp on my life. I’ve been working on this letter for an entire month, partly because I’m a perfectionist and I don’t want you to read something that I don’t think properly conveys my feelings about you and your film. Mostly it’s taken so long because I have a hard time sharing personal details about myself, because once they are out there… who knows what can happen or what people will think. I do feel like I can share personal things with you (and I hope you won’t mind) because I think you can relate to me and you understand where I’m coming from with my view of the world and my place in it. Even if Good Dick wasn’t autobiographical, it came from you and the fact that this film was made is proof that these characters and this story, which I relate to so thoroughly, are worthy of an audience.


I’ve never had a reaction like this to another movie, and I think that’s because I’ve never seen my reality in mainstream film. I watch movies or TV shows about beautiful people with problems that I don’t relate to at all. Then one day I saw Good Dick and it was so realistic and it scared me to think, “Oh my god, this is exactly what I want and what I think love is going to be like for me”. I’ve always distanced myself from all different kinds of love. I’ve never thought about what it’s going to realistically look like when I am in a relationship and I find real intimacy with a person who truly understands me. The thing about Hollywood is that it really shapes the way people see themselves and think about love from a young age. I work in a kindergarten class where all of the girls are in love with Zach Efron and High School Musical, and they heard somewhere that only boys can save girls and not the other way around. I try to talk them out of it, but it seems like they’ve already been indoctrinated into the mainstream culture of fat-versus-skinny and they are waiting for Prince Charming. I think it’s extremely valuable for people to see themselves in pop culture, because when you have watched a lifetime of TV and film without seeing someone who represents you, how are you supposed to know you aren’t alone?


This movie is so therapeutic for me because I see someone like me being loved, and that’s the image I need to see often. I need to watch people like me who are loved and comfortable with themselves and are able to overcome any past or present hurt. I need to see that this is a possibility. I feel like I come up against obstacles and just stop and turn around instead of maneuvering through them and continuing to grow. I’m stunted because I haven’t allowed anyone the opportunity to love me regardless of my faults. It’s hard enough for me to stomach my imperfections, let alone embrace them, so I have very little faith that someone else will accept me for who I am. I have always thought of my relationships as a precise balancing act that will crash down with any misstep on my part. I constantly compromise and silence myself in order to keep the equilibrium. Nothing this fragile can survive for long. The most important thing I need in my life is an honest relationship where I’m not afraid to show my flaws and I can trust that people aren’t going to leave me because of them.


My first real connection I felt with Good Dick was when she lets the guy into her apartment for the first time and we see what a mess it is. Just seeing it made me so anxious because my apartment is a like that and if anyone ever saw it I would be mortified. If anyone knew the real environment that I am living in, the shit that I’m surrounded by all day long, that would be more than embarrassing. And it’s just another wall between me and everyone else, an obstacle that hinders any kind of spontaneous visitors. No one knows how chaotic my home really is because I don’t allow anyone the opportunity to see it if there is any incriminating evidence of my real lifestyle. I’m unable to provide a certain standard of living for myself, and it totally stems from a lack of self-respect. I eat shitty food all day, don’t throw away my garbage, and don’t do my dishes or laundry until someone comes in and does it for me, or the threat of someone coming over sends me into a mad rush to clean up.


You know, I look both ways when I cross the street so I don’t get hit by a car. I don’t really care about getting hurt, I care about someone taking me home from the hospital and seeing my apartment in all its gross glory. Seriously, that’s one of my fears in life. That there is going to be an emergency and I’m not going to want the police to come until I clean my apartment. What kind of fucked up logic is that? These are the kinds of things that make me nuts because I don’t know where all of these behaviors came from, but I can recognize that they are totally unhealthy. Why can’t I just clean up after myself, and why do I think that someone seeing my dirty apartment would send them running away from me? Where did all of my confidence go and when and why did it happen?


Another thing I have in common with your character is that we are both supported by our parents. I feel guilty about it. I don’t deserve their money. I feel like I’ve fucked up my life. Why are you paying my rent? I never finished college, but my parents paid for me to almost fail out of two different schools. All they want is for me to go back to school, but I’m afraid I’m just going to waste more of their money. If I won the lottery I would immediately give it to them, because I feel like I owe them thousands of dollars, and maybe that would help alleviate some of the burden I feel I have put on them. I feel this heavy chain attached to my parents money. I have to do what they want me to, and if I don’t I feel guilty about their disapproval. And then I use my apartment, which they pay for, as my den of iniquity.


I also watch porn like your character. I started as a young teenager who was just curious about sex and I think it was pretty normal behavior, but now I feel like I’ve replaced the potential for real human interaction with porn. Why put myself out there and probably get rejected when I can watch people who are prettier, or at least more confident, than me have sex? I know that porn doesn’t replace real love and movie characters aren’t real friends, but sometimes it’s easier to live vicariously through other people than face the challenges that plague your own life.

I think you certainly accomplished your goal of making a romantic movie. This story is about realistic romance; different from the saccharin sitcom plots and predictable romantic comedies that Hollywood bombards us with in the cineplexes every weekend. It was so bizarre to see the hair-washing scene because the day before I watched Good Dick for the first time I was thinking how intimate it would be to wash someone’s hair. That was when the light bulb went off in my head and I knew that I was going to have a real connection with your film. The scene where you sleep together in the bed is so amazing, with the combination of the lighting and music and the sheer fact that pressing your back against someone else’s seems so comforting. In the ice rink, Jason’s character says, “real sex, loving sex”. I love the fact that the main male character in your film characterizes real sex as “loving”. I feel like if I had seen this film when I was younger I would have a much more positive opinion of men today.


When Jason’s character says, “I care about you” is when I first thought, “Oh my god, this movie is making my heart hurt”. I want to hear that so badly! I care about you. I care what happens to you. I care how you feel about yourself. I care how you feel about me. I care what you do everyday. I care how you are treating yourself. He makes himself so vulnerable by letting her know that he cares about her when he probably knows she won’t reciprocate the feelings openly. It makes me so envious and so ready to hear someone say that to me and to say it back.


A lot of people comment about how the woman is so crazy and brutal and irrationally mean, but I found her totally honest, and I was jealous that I stop myself from being that way. I feel like I put myself in situations where I’m going to be uncomfortable and I stay there as a sort of punishment. Like feeling miserable when other people aren’t will prove that I am not normal and I have to change. But your character says no if she doesn’t want him coming into her apartment. She doesn’t open the door for him, she doesn’t put herself in a situation where she won’t be in charge, and I love that. I see her very much as a heroine. A woman who knows what she wants, even though she has demons that dictate some of her behavior and decisions. She has taken her sexuality in her own hands; she has set rules and says, “These are my boundaries and if you cross them, it’s over”. I found that so refreshing and I wish I could be like that. I wish I could be honest with people and say, “I don’t want to be with you right now because you are driving me insane” and not feel guilty that I seem anti-social or think about what my friends are going to say about me. I need to find a partner who can acknowledge and understand my hesitance when it comes to both physical and emotional intimacy. It makes me uncomfortable to think I could be at the mercy of someone who may not have regard for my feelings and insecurities. The fact that Jason’s character is completely accepting of her rules and doesn’t want to move faster than she is prepared to go makes him such a fantasy boyfriend for me. Through his gentle persistence, she realizes that she is worthy of love and self-respect and she is given the tools to help herself improve her life.


I feel like your movie came to me at a really important time because my plans to finish my degree were somewhat sidetracked, I found out I won’t have a job in the fall, and my lease is up on my apartment in October. I feel like, come this fall, I have a million choices to make and an infinite number of paths I can take. It’s freedom, but it’s also fucking scary. Now is the time when I actually have to think about what I want my life to be like, and try to start living that life. I think that I’ve finally realized that I want to be a filmmaker because I want to create something that might impact someone in the same way Good Dick has impacted me.


I want you to know how much you mean to me, even if I never meet you, even if you never make another film, you have done enough for me to really think about my life and think about the world and reality and love in a realistic and attainable way. I want you to remember me, whether or not you remember my name or the specific things I said. I just want you to recall the feeling that you really affected change in the world, because I am changing, I am going to reach out to other people who may change. I believe we are all connected in this way, that we live life and we grow by learning from other people and hopefully teaching a few along the way. All of my life I have used movies to escape or avoid my problems. It’s very passive to sit in a room and see faces in front of me without having to deal with the reciprocity of real friendship. The stuff I was watching wasn’t helping me understand or deal with my life, but drown out my desire to help myself change. I needed a movie like Good Dick to hold up a mirror to my face so I could see what it looks like when I isolate myself, neglect people who love me and deny myself happiness and self-respect. Now I want to be a filmmaker so I can reach other people, help them learn about themselves and continue this chain of humanity and real people talking to each other.


It sounds strange to say thank you after all of that. I think that goes without saying.


Love,

Rebecca Martin

P.S. Good dick means to me… a relationship that encourages growth and intimacy and makes you feel safe with the people you love or by yourself.

Cassavettes Quotes

Fun in a Photo Booth

These pictures are from our incredible friends Dana & Hunter's Wedding.
Jen, Cora, Jason & I had a BALL!!